...it’s hard to be away from home.

My sister has her Senior Show at Messiah College. She’s been working hard on this for months – and I can’t be there to see and celebrate with her. That makes me sad. She graduates in May. My sister… growing up. I’m proud of her. She’s talented, hard-working, a thinking person, and loves Jesus. I know her work is going to be awesome and I can’t wait to see pictures from it.

Days like today, I miss my family. I want to be there to see the excitement in my sister’s eyes. I want to see the reactions of people to her exhibit. I want to hug her and congratulate her.

I want to be there to hug my parents, see their faces, feel their flesh, and hug them more.

Today especially. A year ago I sat with my mom and dad in Dr. Alley’s office. He told us that it was likely that my mom had leukemia. And so began our journey with cancer.

The past year went by in a blur. It’s hard to remember, and hard to forget. (If that makes any sense.) Whole seasons passed by and we were somewhat oblivious to it. But, I’d have to say … as odd it may sound, it was a "good" year. I would never wish times like these on anyone, but I am incredibly thankful for how God has used the experience we had in my life, and my family’s.

I see my parents in a new way. I look at them and see amazing strength. I look at them and I see faithful, dedicated, unconditional love. I look at them and I see hearts trying to love in the best ways they know how. I am incredibly proud of and thankful for them.

There was much in this past year that I learned about myself. Or, I at least saw in myself. The things we went through, refined me – I hope.

So today, I’ve been kind of sad and missing home. A few lonely tears and I’m sure I’ll be fine.

Daddy, Mommy, Kuya, Emily, Cindy and Xander… I love you, miss you, and am thankful for each of you.

If you’re FB friends with my mom or if you see my family – give them a hug for me, pat them on the back and encourage them in the year they’ve made it through, or … pray for them to continue to trust God in this journey.

Person: "How old are you?"
Me: "How old do you think I am?"
Person: "Hmmm. Maybe 26?"
Me: [SMILE]

26 is the most common guess for my age.
It's happened on two separate occasions this week.
Nice. :)

So, some things I've read about going through the stages of transition definitely encourage NOT living in denial and being honest about the very real feelings that you go through during these times.

At the same time, there is great value in cultivating an attitude of gratitude and thanksgiving. Recognizing that in the midst of hard, difficult or just different times ... there are positives. There are blessings. There's good stuff.

* Today I got to pay my utility bill with my ATM card at the ATM machine at the bottom of my work building. How convenient and easy is that?! And I think ALL my bills work that way, too!

* Today I had to go to get fingerprinted for some more official paperwork needed for me to stay in the country (Alien Certificate Record). God has completely blessed me with people who have been so helpful walking me through these processes. I just go where they bring me and all these important things that need to get done, get done! People are so generous with their time and help. What a gift of grace.









* I'm in the middle of finishing up a Communications Strategy Plan for a colleague in the area who is working to engage the church in his country in cross-cultural missions. It's amazing thinking about what God is doing right here in this area of the world... and that I get to be a tiny, tiny part of it!

* Yesterday, I met a woman and two of her friends who are currently sailing around the world on the Doulos? After a year on the ship she'll join our communications team for a year.

* Today I heard about work that is being done with the deaf community in the Philippines to make stories available to them in their own sign language. Amazing!!

So there. Positive things from today. There's more I'm sure. But a few things to keep me reminded today ... things are and really will be okay. :)

...is over.

I had coffee with a friend a couple of weeks ago and she asked how my transition was going.
I told her that I've been sharing with people that in many ways I was very much in the "honeymoon" stage. I had visited in the Philippines for about the same amount of time in the past, I was living in a guest house where I was very much well cared for, and I was doing a lot of orientation-type work and even had some travel thrown into the mix. Everything was all new, fun, and exciting! And, I had waited for so long to finally arrive, that it was great just being in Manila!!

I was anticipating my move into my own place around the time we met so I told her... ask me after my move. I was figuring that whenever I was in my new place, having to do "real-life stuff" like grocery-shopping, laundry, taking care of bills, getting into my real work and more time had passed... the honeymoon would be over.

Well... the honeymoon is officially over. Hahaha.

It's not as bad as I make it sound.
But, real life is seeping into my experience here in Manila and I've definitely had my moments when the excitement of just being here just hasn't been the same. :)

Yesterday especially was my "I've hit the wall" day.
The whole day I found myself in a complain-ey mood and irritated about everything. Things I've been doing for the past couple of weeks all of a sudden became incredibly "inconvenient."

"Why do I have to walk to church?" "Why can't I just get in MY car and go to church?" "Why is it so hot?!" "Why do I have to choose from among a whole aisle of bottles of vinegar? I just need vinegar." "Target. Why can't there be a store like Target??"

In reality, it really isn't all that inconvenient, it's just different. It's not what I'm used to -- and I'm starting to feel the differences.

This upcoming Wednesday will be 3 weeks that I've been in my apartment. While I love it and it does already feel like home, I'm still having to get things to make it "my own." Unfortunately, the fun of shopping and dreaming of what it could be like has totally faded. I've lost steam and momentum. Taking yet another trip to the mall to load up on "stuff" and then having to wait (sometimes for an hour!) for a taxi to take me and all my "stuff" home just is not my idea of fun and exciting anymore. Can someone just do it all for me?! :)

I think it was time. There are stages of going through change that we all go through. I've gone through the time when everything is "new and exciting." And now I'm experiencing "reality" hitting me in the face.

I was encouraged today to let myself feel these very legitimate feelings.
Honesty with God.
Pray that I would go through this stage and move on from this stage -- with God's grace, and extending grace to myself.

I’ve been blogging a lot about my day-to-day experiences, cultural observations and things along those lines. I guess I tend to write about those things because I FEEL those things quite strongly. But, please don’t take that to mean that I’ve not been doing any work. Heheheh. :)

I’ve been getting into the swing of things at the office, figuring out my role and my responsibilities, and getting started on some work projects.

Next week should be a pretty exciting week. I’m excited about it and incredibly nervous as well.

Our team will host a colleague from the Asia area. He is in charge of a team of people who work to expand the Church’s vision for missions and get people personally involved. During our week together we hope to develop a logo for this group, train and equip them with the knowledge and resources to create their own effective media materials, hopefully work together to create a few of the pieces while we’re together during the week, AND work on a plan together for the future.

I think about what this team is doing. I think about their heart. I think about their vision. I think about the unbelievable challenges they face – daily. I can’t believe that I get this incredibly awesome opportunity to work together with them on things like this. Humbling.

It is my hope and my prayer that I can contribute much value to their efforts through our time together next week and in the future. I worry that I’m out of my league. I worry that the time would be wasted. I worry.

Pray that I would not worry. Pray that I would be prepared.
And mostly pray that our time would be inspired and directed by Him.

I haven't tested out how to embed albums from Flickr to my blog.
I was showing a friend how to use blogger and realized this would be a valuable thing to learn.

So... here are some photos from Bangkok for your viewing pleasure.

(CLICK ON THE COLLAGE FOR A LARGER IMAGE:
L-R: The view outside my living area window, the living room area, my bedroom, the dining area, the view at daytime, the view outside of my bedroom, and my bathroom -- the only room I've really worked on.)

I've been in my new place for a week now. And I do, I love it!

Things I love…

• The view – awesome! Since I was young I wanted to live in a big city in a high rise (I put this image in my ten-year predictions that I wrote with my cousin in 1993. I also had a house in the country in my list )
• Being in walking distance to my office. It takes me maybe 10 minutes to get to the office from my door
• Having a Mini Stop downstairs. Mini Stops are like 7-11s. I have ice cream, drinks, FOOD and other little conveniences readily accessible 24 hours a day!
• Having fun co-workers in my building!
• The neutral colors and “modern” furniture. Believe me, I saw so many different colors and styles of wallpaper, furniture, floors. I love this quite “plain” look. It’s like a beautiful blank canvas ready for me!
• That it is within my budget!!! When I was apartment hunting frustration was growing because most of the apartments that were within walking distance were out of my price range. The area where our office is located is pretty much right in the center of a big business district. As you get closer to the center of the district, the more expensive it gets. But, I felt like it was important at least my first year to live close by. It didn’t seem like I was going to find a place that I liked that I could afford. But then this place – the one place I liked – worked out!!!
• The pool area! – no, I’m not really a swimmer, but the pool area is beautiful! There are little tables set up around the pool and around the larger patio they have gazebos with sitting areas under them. There are also little courtyard type spots with green grass and flowers – places to sit, read, journal, listen to music… places to be still. There are these little spots that make it feel like you’re away from the city and connect with a little bit of nature.
• The music. Across the street a ways there is a “Gimmick area.” (Gimmick is a term used for fun, hangout activities – restaurants, bars, etc.) Some nights they have some live music that I can hear from my place. It’s not so loud that I can’t tune it out, and the bands have all been good – so… it’s like having live, bedtime music.
• It feels like "home." - the advice I kept hearing from people while I was apartment-hunting was to not rush. Everyone kept stressing the importance of finding a place where I could feel at home, where I could rest and renew, and where after tiring trips I could feel glad to be home. I do think that this will be that place.
  

I met another young woman, Ami, who works for an organization called True Love Waits. She and I moved to the Philippines from the States around the same time this year. She and I actually moved into our respective new homes the same night. The next morning we text messaged with each other asking how it was to wake up in our own places.

I replied to her -- “Good! I have to keep reminding myself to slow down. :) My mind keeps running lists of things I want to get and do. Lists of things that are broken and what not. Trying to slow down a bit and just enjoy this moment and just be thankful for this awesome blessing. I am so excited to be here!”

Now that I’ve been in a week, I’m wanting to speed things up a bit. But, while I want to be taking care of things and settling in...I want to do so with a sense of contentment and gratitude. I feel like this place is a huge blessing and an answer to prayer. I don’t want to lose sight of that in the midst of all my list-making and things to do!

This week I had my first cold/flu here in Manila. I’m a pretty miserable sick person. I like to whine, whimper and just curl up in bed (or on the couch in front of the TV :)). I wasn’t pleased that I had gotten sick. I had a good weekend and a great Sunday. I came home Sunday evening and was already not feeling well. Monday I went to work which was a waste of a day. I came home and slept all Monday evening, night and through most of Tuesday.

After I called in sick with work on Tuesday morning, I fell asleep on the couch. I woke up to the ding-dong of my doorbell. There at my door were my co-workers, Dawn and Ann, armed with food for lunch and juice for Vitamin C replenishment! Incredible!!! We enjoyed lunch together and I was so grateful for their thoughtfulness!! And even this morning, Carolyn stopped by my place to check on how I was doing.

I have had discussions before with friends how when living by yourself, you can sometimes wonder how long it could be before someone realizes that you might be lying ill at home or something worse. It was comforting to know that there are people who are watching out for me.

DISCONNECTED.

It's been a great, fun week. I've been so thankful at the incredible ways that God has just sweetly blessed me and has perfectly provided for so many things -- even the tiniest of things.

With all of the activity from the last couple of weeks I'm feeling a little disconnected. From my family, from friends... from myself and from God even.

I moved into my apartment this week. YAY!!!
I am so incredibly excited to be there. (I'll post soon on how it all happened).
But, my apartment has no internet (yet).
So, I haven't been able to Skype or facebook with any regularity.
This week I missed my cousins' birthdays. My cousin's baby shower is this weekend -- and I'm not there. I haven't talked to my family in a while. Disconnected.

Last night I was able to have a fun evening out with some women from work. We went to go watch "Confessions of a Shopaholic." It was a fun movie and a fun time with the girls. But even something as simple as seeing winter wardrobe made me feel far away and disconnected from home. Disconnected.

I wouldn't really say that I'm feeling "homesick." I'm just feeling a little disconnected. Disconnected.

The place where I live has a beautiful pool area with courtyard areas surrounding it with wonderful little gazebos, patches of green grass, trees and flowers. I'm looking forward to spending some time out there tonight or tomorrow morning armed with my journal, my Bible and my iPod.

Hopefully I get the internet situation squared away soon. If not, I'll try my best to come to the office early so that I can update this blog, Skype and Facebook. :)

I got to have coffee with a friend today. I enjoyed the time to chat and, as I find myself often doing these days, gleaned whatever I could from her.

There are men and women here who have years and years of experience living cross-culturally in the Philippines, or have lived in other parts of the world involved with this organization.

Anything. Everything. I find so much many have to share to be so valuable.

Today’s lesson of value, among many things we talked about, texting -- using predictive text.

Yes, I know some of you are thinking, “Come on, Aileen. You had to have known about that!”

No… really, I didn’t. I rarely used text messaging at home in the States. It has only been since I’ve gotten here that I’ve used texting with any consistency. Texting is by far the most common way to communicate here in the Philippines. The speed at which people text is unbelievable! Maybe one day I will be as good.

Now that I know about predictive text, I might have a shot at that goal.

I think I've figured out why I feel so uncomfortable in some of the new situations I've been experiencing.

So often I find myself just trying to figure out how things work. I feel uneasy and I dislike feeling so unsure about things.

I had an eye-opening experience yesterday when I had to withdraw some money from the bank. Simple task, right?

Before heading downstairs (my office is located inside the same building as a bank -- you can actually see the bank lobby from our conference room and some offices), I stopped and asked one of my co-workers what I should do when I entered the lobby. I felt awkward even asking. It seems like such a "duh?" thing. Why don't I just know what I'm supposed to do when I enter the bank? But, having seen the lobby and just not being sure ... I asked anyway.

I'm glad I did ask. Her direction helped tremendously. But, even with the help she gave and the help of the guard in the bank, I still found myself tentatively feeling my way through each step until my task was complete.

As I sat in the lobby waiting for my turn at the teller I was watching what was happening around me. (I had a good hour or so of waiting so I observed a lot.) For the most part, people came in and out and took care of their business without a second thought or hesitation as to what to do. They just knew.

As I watched people move through the bank, I started to see patterns and started to form my theories on the whole operation. (I still have to test out my theories and inquire if I've made the right observations.) As I watched I thought, how did they all know what to do? And I thought, how did I know what to do back in the States??

I don't remember anyone ever really showing or telling me in detail what to do when I first went into a bank on my own in the States. Actually, I don't even remember that event. I think as you grow up you typically observe, watch, learn and experience things and probably by the time you are an adult, you "just know" what to do. Or, you have a pretty good idea of how things go so that something simple like going to the bank just isn't a big deal. (Hehehe)

But now, living in a new place where so many things can look different than what I'm accustomed to, I don't "just know" what to do and I feel like such a kid in these "learning situations." And, it makes even simple tasks sometimes seem like a big task.

So, I think that's why I think I feel so uncomfortable about being in these situations. I feel like a kid. It's sometimes an embarrassing feeling admitting you don't know how things work -- when it's seems so obvious and comes so naturally to others.

It's humbling, and that's often tough for me. I'm not used to feeling so dependent on other people. I'm not used to feeling so helpless. I'm not used to feeling so unsure of how to do the simplest of things.

I'm thankful that God has surrounded me with wonderfully gracious and giving people. Lots of times people have offered me information that I've not known to ask or have not been courageous enough to ask. And so many people have been so gracious with their time and patience as I've gone through my lists of questions.

Talking to a friend today, she mentioned that she didn't think we ever get out of "learner" mode. I think there's truth to that. I'm glad for that in a way. I think I desperately need to learn and be reminded so often that I don't know it all, that I need to live a life of interdependence with others and complete dependence on God. The moment I think "I've got it all down" is the moment I've gotten too comfortable and too self-reliant.

Although...I wouldn't mind feeling a little bit more confident and secure in doing simple things now and then ... heheheh.

I had an embarrassing moment while I was in Bangkok.
I can very safely say that no one was witness to this. So, this embarrassing moment could have safely stayed with me for eternity. But, I found it funny. And, I'm wanting to grow in the area of not being so concerned about how people see me, so perhaps this is a good exercise towards that. Heheheh.

After a long night I woke up at the YWCA Guesthouse in Bangkok. The facility was quite nice and I had a good, restful sleep. It was early and I would have been happy to have had another hour or so of sleep, but I had already snoozed several times and it was time to get moving. I got myself up, out of bed and into the shower.

Have you ever had a moment when you're in an unfamiliar bathroom, you look at the shower and think... "Hmmm... how does this work?"

Well, there I stood -- half asleep and severely visually impaired without the help of my glasses -- looking up at the shower wondering that very thing.

The only thing I could see was a little dial that said something to the effect of "open - close." It looked like it was connected to the shower head so... I gave it a turn. Some water sputtered out of the dial and I thought ... "Hmmm... I don't know that it's supposed to do that." So, I shut it. There was another dial above that so I decided to give it a twist. Nothing. But, I could see that it said something about water volume -- "low - high" so I twisted it "high."

Since I had gotten some water out of the other dial I decided to give it another try. I turned it just slightly. All of a sudden the knob was forced out of its place and into my hand as a "high volume" of water came shooting straight out spraying everywhere. I tried to get the knob back in but the water was so forceful that I couldn't get it in enough for the threads to start twisting in place. I tried unsuccessfully a few times.

There I was with water spraying all over the place and the knob in my hand. I decided that I still needed to get ready -- so I "showered" with the shooting water that was spraying a good 12 inches above me. Eventually, I was able to get the water volume down, the knob back in and twisted shut.

I was supposed to meet someone for breakfast and the morning's event made me late. I ran down, made my apologies and divulged my secret to justify my being so late. My friend kindly informed me, "All you have to do is push the big silver panel."

Once I got home that night, I stepped into the shower -- with my contacts in -- and I saw it... the big silver panel that says, "PUSH ON - OFF."

Oh, me! Just in case you think this is a first... I've had to ask many people how to turn on the shower in their homes! I've just never had a shower "explode" on me before. :)

Lesson for my future travels: check out the bathing situation the night before -- while wearing contacts or glasses -- and if you can't figure it out, ask someone while you can.

If I could have the choice of one activity that I could never have to do again for the rest of my life... it would be shoe shopping.

Now, I love shoes. I think there are so many fun shoes and I enjoy shoe shopping with other people -- if they are the ones who need shoes. But, I really dislike shopping for shoes for myself.

My feet are odd. My left food is almost a half-size smaller than my right. Both feet are very wide -- they always have been, but it seems like they've gotten wider. (I think it's because my feet got used to wearing flip-flops and they've just expanded or something.) Almost always I end my shoe-shopping trips frustrated.

I didn't bring a lot of shoes with me from home. There were two reasons for this decision.

1. I didn't have a lot of shoes to bring. I got rid of a lot of shoes that didn't fit me anymore or that I had stopped wearing.
2. I remembered Manila as being like a "land of shoes." I remembered that the malls here always had tons of shoes. Soooo many shoes in so many styles! I figured I'd get whatever I needed here.

Well... I remembered correctly. There is no lack of shoes here.

I chose the shopping mall near the guesthouse as the place to begin my quest for a good pair of shoes. I went last weekend and I returned empty-handed. I was at that mall again today (I went to do some reading and journaling at Starbucks -- no Paneras here!) and decided to give it another try.

The shopping mall has a "market" area where people have booths set up with their goods for sale. This mall also has a Shoe Center. I walked the aisles of the market with everyone trying so hard to sell me something they had. I wished over and over again that the shoes I tried on would only fit. Frustration. I decided to give the Shoe Center a try. Shoes everywhere. I walked around doubtful that I'd find anything.

After trying a gazillion different shoes and sizes, I finally found something that fit. I'm not really ALL that crazy about them. There were so many other really really cute styles! They don't have heels (I miss my heels). But they fit and they're comfortable -- which is good since I'll be walking to and from the office everyday. So, I'm thankful to have a good pair of shoes to wear.

As I was thinking about getting them or not, my dad's voice came to mind. He used to love telling me whenever I was getting ready for school, "What? Are you going to a fashion show?" Heheheh... of the wisdom of my parents I guess will always stay with me.

So... what big profound lesson have I learned from this?

Well only this...it isn't any easier shopping for shoes for my feet here in Manila and I still don't like shoe shopping all that much.

Yes, I know. I just blogged about a pair of shoes.