Alone.

One night last week as I was drifting off to sleep, I found myself crying.

Not only were there tears running down my face, but there were audible sobs as well. That kind of crying.

I was kind of surprised by it. There wasn't really anything significant that happened that day to make me upset. So I found myself crying and asking, "Why am I sad? What am I upset about?"

And in my sobs I heard myself answer my own question...

"You've left me here all alone. It's not supposed to be like this. I'm alone. I'm forgotten."

Those are the feelings and thoughts that had me up and crying one night. I thought about the different things that had me feeling that way and was exhausted in the morning. I opened up my Bible to the reading for the day and was comforted and convicted by this...

My Lord longs to be gracious to me.

He rises to show me compassion.

I am blessed if I wait for Him.

He will be gracious when I cry for help.

He guides.

He goes before me.

He goes with me.

He provides.

He binds and He heals.

I am precious.

I am honored.

I am His.

He has made me.

He has redeemed me.

He will not forget me.

There are a lot of reasons for why I was feeling the way that I was.

Some very real.

Some very legitimate.

Some not... at all.

I recognize that feelings of being completely ALONE and FORGOTTEN are one of the Enemy's "easy" ways of getting me down. Those are fiery arrows that hit me hardest and the ones I'm most vulnerable to, especially these days.

And so with the sweetest of blessings I have been reminded that I am never alone and never forgotten. His presence tells me that. His Word reassures me of that. And others are an expression of that -- a surprise email, a conversation over Skype, an expectant "how are you?"

I wasn't going to blog about this, but then during church at Northland this morning (evening for me), Pastor Vernon shared a quote of Frederick Buechner. As he shared it, I had already started to Google it so I that I could share it.

"When you remember me, it means that you have carried something of who I am with you, that I have left some mark of who I am in who you are. It means that you can summon me back to your mind even though countless years and miles may stand between us. It means that if we meet again, you will know me. It means that even after I die, you can still see my face and hear my voice and speak to me in your heart.

"For as long as you remember me, I am never entirely lost. When I'm feeling most ghost-like, it's your remembering me that helps remind me that I actually exist. When I'm feeling sad, it's my consolation. When I'm feeling happy, it's part of why I feel that way. If you forget me, one of the ways I remember who I am will be gone. If you forget me, part of who I am will be gone.

"Jesus, remember me when you come into your kingdom," the good thief said from his cross (Luke 23:42). There are perhaps no more human words in all of Scripture, no prayer we can pray so well."

- Frederick Buechner

Listening to Your Life

So I hadn't really planned on blogging about my emotional breakdown, but when I heard this quote, it made me realize how, as Buechner puts it, "There are perhaps no more human words in all Scripture, no prayer we can pray so well." I think the feelings of wanting to be "remembered" -- to not be alone and to not be forgotten -- are so very real, so very human.

To some extent, we all go through these feelings. (Right??)

And so right now, I'm reminded to pray for my friends - those who are in a different place, who are away from people who know and understand them, who are "alone..." and for those who just feel "alone" and "forgotten" -- praying that in special ways this week you would feel loved, remembered, and reminded that you truly are never alone.

And for me, a reminder to "be on the alert." Oh, how it seems that the Enemy knows me too well. And so, ... Be on the alert. Wait on Him. Cry out to Him. Remember. Return.

NOTE: I really need to pick up a book by FB or something, because whenever Pastor Vernon shares a quote of his (which he often does) I am so drawn to his thoughts and the ways he puts words together to convey them. It's always just so well said! Suggestions??