A Kid Again

I think I've figured out why I feel so uncomfortable in some of the new situations I've been experiencing.

So often I find myself just trying to figure out how things work. I feel uneasy and I dislike feeling so unsure about things.

I had an eye-opening experience yesterday when I had to withdraw some money from the bank. Simple task, right?

Before heading downstairs (my office is located inside the same building as a bank -- you can actually see the bank lobby from our conference room and some offices), I stopped and asked one of my co-workers what I should do when I entered the lobby. I felt awkward even asking. It seems like such a "duh?" thing. Why don't I just know what I'm supposed to do when I enter the bank? But, having seen the lobby and just not being sure ... I asked anyway.

I'm glad I did ask. Her direction helped tremendously. But, even with the help she gave and the help of the guard in the bank, I still found myself tentatively feeling my way through each step until my task was complete.

As I sat in the lobby waiting for my turn at the teller I was watching what was happening around me. (I had a good hour or so of waiting so I observed a lot.) For the most part, people came in and out and took care of their business without a second thought or hesitation as to what to do. They just knew.

As I watched people move through the bank, I started to see patterns and started to form my theories on the whole operation. (I still have to test out my theories and inquire if I've made the right observations.) As I watched I thought, how did they all know what to do? And I thought, how did I know what to do back in the States??

I don't remember anyone ever really showing or telling me in detail what to do when I first went into a bank on my own in the States. Actually, I don't even remember that event. I think as you grow up you typically observe, watch, learn and experience things and probably by the time you are an adult, you "just know" what to do. Or, you have a pretty good idea of how things go so that something simple like going to the bank just isn't a big deal. (Hehehe)

But now, living in a new place where so many things can look different than what I'm accustomed to, I don't "just know" what to do and I feel like such a kid in these "learning situations." And, it makes even simple tasks sometimes seem like a big task.

So, I think that's why I think I feel so uncomfortable about being in these situations. I feel like a kid. It's sometimes an embarrassing feeling admitting you don't know how things work -- when it's seems so obvious and comes so naturally to others.

It's humbling, and that's often tough for me. I'm not used to feeling so dependent on other people. I'm not used to feeling so helpless. I'm not used to feeling so unsure of how to do the simplest of things.

I'm thankful that God has surrounded me with wonderfully gracious and giving people. Lots of times people have offered me information that I've not known to ask or have not been courageous enough to ask. And so many people have been so gracious with their time and patience as I've gone through my lists of questions.

Talking to a friend today, she mentioned that she didn't think we ever get out of "learner" mode. I think there's truth to that. I'm glad for that in a way. I think I desperately need to learn and be reminded so often that I don't know it all, that I need to live a life of interdependence with others and complete dependence on God. The moment I think "I've got it all down" is the moment I've gotten too comfortable and too self-reliant.

Although...I wouldn't mind feeling a little bit more confident and secure in doing simple things now and then ... heheheh.